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Welcome! This is a free newsletter on becoming a Response-Able parent, raising Response-Able children.
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My mission is to strengthen families and improve parent communication skills (including my own), by helping parents learn practical, useable verbal strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children.
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“A child’s wisdom is also wisdom.”
----Jewish Proverb
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Spotted on a red and silver Dodge van in Bridgeport, MI:
My child is a STAR for the Royal Oak Center for Performing Arts
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According to the United States Department of Agriculture, the average annual cost of raising a child in 2004 for middle-income families is $9,800. At the median household income of $52,704, that means one child accounts for 20 percent of the family’s annual income. Raising a child born in 2003 until the child leaves home ranges from $172,370 to $344,250. That does not include college costs.
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What if it’s all perfect? Can you see imperfection as perfect? Could your child’s imperfect reaction provide you with the perfect data to learn to reach out to him or her in new ways? Could your child’s imperfect behavior be the perfect call for help? Could it be that we are all perfectly imperfect?
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Tired of arguing, nagging, and struggling with your kids to get them to do homework? Are you discovering that bribing, threatening, and punishing don't yield positive results? If so, this article is for you. Here you will find the three laws of homework along with eight homework tips that — if implemented in your home with consistency and an open heart — will reduce study time hassles significantly.
The First Law of Homework: Most children do not like to do homework.
Kids do not enjoy sitting and studying, at least not after having spent a long school day comprised mostly of sitting and studying. So give up your desire to have your child like it. Focus on getting him or her to do it.
The Second Law of Homework: You cannot make your child do it.
You cannot make your child learn. You cannot make your child hold a certain attitude. You cannot make your child move his or her pencil.
While you cannot insist, you can assist. Concentrate on assisting by sending positive invitations. Invite and encourage your child using the ideas that follow.
The Third Law of Homework: It's your child’s problem.
Your child’s pencil has to move. His or her brain needs to engage. Your child’s bottom needs to be in the chair. It is your child’s report card that he or she brings home.
Too many parents see homework as their own problem. So they create ultimatums, scream and shout, threaten, bribe, scold, and withhold privileges. Have you noticed that most of these tactics don’t work?
The parent’s responsibility is to provide his or her child with an opportunity to do homework. The parent’s job is to provide structure, to create the system. The child's job is to use the system.
Tip #1
Eliminate the word “homework” from your vocabulary. Replace it with the word “study.” Have “study” time instead of “homework” time. Have a “study” table instead of a “homework” table. This word change alone will go a long way toward eliminating the problem of your child saying, "I don't have any homework." Study time is about studying, even if your child doesn’t have any homework. It’s amazing how much more homework kids have when they have to study regardless of whether they have homework or not.
Tip #2
Establish a study routine. This needs to be the same time every day. Let your child have some input on when study time occurs. Once the time is set, stick to that schedule. Kids thrive on structure even as they protest. It may take several seeks for the routine to become a habit. Persist. By having a regular study time, you are demonstrating that you value education.
Tip #3
Keep the routine predictable and simple. One possibility includes a five-minute warning that study time is approaching, bringing your child’s current activity to an end, clearing the study table, emptying the backpack of books and supplies, and then beginning.
Tip #4
Allow your child to make choices about homework and related issues. He or she can choose to do study time before or after dinner or immediately after getting home. Or your child may choose to wake up early in the morning to do it. Invite your child to choose the kitchen table or a spot in his or her own room. One choice your child does not have is whether or not to study.
Tip #5
Help without overfunctioning. Help only if your child asks for it. Do not do problems or assignments for your child.
When your child says, "I can't do it," say, “Act as if you can.” Tell your child to pretend that he or she knows what to do and to see what happens. Then leave the immediate area, and let your child see if he or she can handle it from there. If your child keeps telling you he or she doesn't know how and you decide to offer help, concentrate on asking rather than on telling.
Ask:
"What do you get?"
"What parts do you understand?"
"Can you give me an example?"
"What do you think the answer is?"
"How could you find out?"
Tip #6
If you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. Disorganization is a problem for many school-age children. If you want your child to be organized, you have to invest the time to help your child learn an organizational system. Your job is to teach the system. Your child’s job is to use it. Yes, check occasionally to see if the system is being used, especially at first. Provide direction and correction where necessary.
If your child needs help with time management, teach him or her time management skills. Help your child learn what it means to prioritize according to the importance and due date of each task. Teach your child to create an agenda each time he or she sits down to study. Help your child experience the value of getting the most important things done first.
Tip #7
Replace monetary and external rewards with encouraging verbal responses. End the practice of paying for grades or rewarding with a special trip for ice cream. This style of bribery has only short-term gains and does little to encourage children to develop a lifelong love of learning.
Instead, make positive verbal comments that concentrate on describing the behavior you wish to encourage. For example:
"You followed the directions exactly and finished in 15 minutes."
"I notice you stayed up late last night working on your term paper. It probably wasn't easy saving that much for the end, but your efforts got it done."
"All your letters are right between the lines. I'll bet your teacher won't have any trouble reading this."
"I see you got the study table all organized and ready to go early. Looks to me like initiative and responsibility hooked together."
Tip #8
Use study time to get some of your own responsibilities handled. Do the dishes, fold laundry, or write thank you notes. Keep the TV off! If you engage in fun or noisy activities during that time, your child will naturally be distracted. Study time is a family commitment. If you won’t commit to it, don’t expect your child to do so.
Special Note: Tonight when your child is studying, begin on your homework assignment, which follows. Reread this article. Decide which parts of it you want to implement. Determine when you will begin. Put it in writing. Then congratulate yourself for getting your homework done.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of “The 10 Commitments:
Parenting with Purpose" (to be released in November) and ”Couple
Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal
Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477). They also publish FREE email newsletters,
one for parents and another for couples. Subscribe to one or both at ipp57@aol.com.
Visit www.chickmoorman.com and www.thomashaller.com.
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We have many articles like the one above that are available for reprint by
your school, PTA, church, or other organization. To check out the complete list
of articles, go to
www.chickmoorman.com. There is no charge for reprinting these articles, but
we do ask that you use our byline at the top and publish our trailer at the
end of each article you reprint. The approved trailer is:
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477). They have also coauthored the soon-to-be-released "The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose."
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Seventy-five to eighty-five percent of young children’s actions are unconscious. As they move through their day, many of their behaviors are not consciously thought through. If your Parent Talk is filled with questions that ask young children why they did certain behaviors, you will be continually disappointed. Their response is often, “I don’t know.” They are not lying, trying to hide anything, or attempting to get away with inappropriate behaviors. They simply don’t know why they took certain actions.
Use the Parent talk phrase “I noticed…” with your youngsters. Instead of asking, “Why did you do that?” tell them, “I noticed you threw the muffin wrapper on the floor. Wrappers go in the garbage.” Say, “I noticed you took his truck instead of asking,” rather than saying, “Why didn’t you ask him?” Tell your children, “I see you are choosing to get louder,” rather than asking, “Why are you yelling?”
“I noticed…” is Parent Talk that helps kids stay conscious. It makes them aware of their current behavior and the effect that behavior is having on others. Adding “I noticed…” to your Parent Talk repertoire will get you more mileage than asking why.
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Multiple copies of "Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility" can be obtained at discount prices by calling (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or emailing ipp57@aol.com.
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Over 200 people have been trained as facilitators in the Parent Talk System.
Representing 15 states and five countries, this cadre is made up of knowledgeable
parenting facilitators who have much to offer their attendees. In an effort
to tap into this wide knowledge base and share these facilitators’ insights
with all of you, we are beginning the Parent Talk Trainers' Corner. Each month
I will send one of your email questions to the trainers for their consideration
and response. We will then choose several responses and print them in the next
newsletter. The first question and responses
follow.
Dear Chick,
School has started here and already I am dreading the first report card. My daughter is ten years old and not the best student. I feel she is working up to her ability, but report cards don't seem to give her encouragement or praise for her efforts. What can I do to make report cards a positive experience?
Sincerely,
Worried Mom
Dear Worried Mom,
It would be nice to live in a world where measurement and comparison are not needed, but that is not our reality. A report card is only one way of measuring how your daughter is doing. Here are a few others:
Regularly ask your daughter how she feels she is doing in each subject — on the inside. In other words, have her check it out inside.
Keep track of the improvements she has made over time in the different subject areas (by making notes or keeping papers), and show this progress to her periodically or remind her of it at report card time.
Ask her if she is working up to her individual ability in each subject; if not, why not?
Since it sounds like you do feel your daughter is working up to her ability, let her know that and tell her you appreciate it.
In summary, discuss how your child is doing in all subjects throughout the year so that the report card is merely one more piece of information, not the only one.
Kim Poulin
Montreal, Canada
Children, even at ten, do not understand the connection between their efforts
and the grades they receive. This might be a great time to have a talk about
what steps are involved in being a "good" student. Keep in mind that
"good" is evaluative. "Effective” or “productive"
are more descriptive. A “productive” student turns in homework,
completes assignments on time, prepares for tests and quizzes, pays attention
in class, and so on.
These are activities that your child can control. Use the Parent Talk, " I noticed...” when praising your child's school activities. Noticing even the small things can help children feel that they are making progress.
Judith Minton, CFLE
Parent Talk Trainer
Canton, MI
Talk to your daughter about a C being "average," and let her know
that you are pleased with the work she is doing. Look for any improvements and
praise those. If you have a positive attitude toward the report card, your daughter
will more likely have an improved attitude.
When parents compare their children to other students, the children often get discouraged. Remember, your daughter’s report card tells about a unique individual. If you feel that your daughter is working up to her potential, tell her how you think she is doing. Report cards are only progress reports. If parents look for progress instead of A’s, children find more satisfaction. Hope this helps!
Dixie Hurd
Stillwater, OK
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The next facilitator training in the Parent Talk System is set for February 3-5, 2005, in Grand Rapids, MI. Send for your detailed brochure at ipp57@aol.com. Include your mailing address.
Bring a Facilitator Training in the Parent Talk System to your city.
Can you find ten or more people who would be interested in becoming trainers of the Parent Talk System? If so, we will come to your town to train them.
Send for our Organizer's Packet on how to organize a training in your area.
Email us at
ipp57@aol.com and tell us you want the Facilitator's Packet. Include your mailing
address.
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Pre-Publication Offer
“The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose” has gone to press. We expect to have copies of this inspirational and practical parenting guide by the middle of November. “The 10 Commitments,” a 120-page hardback book, will sell for $20.00 plus shipping and handling.
Subscribers to our newsletters can save 25 percent by ordering now. All orders we receive by November 1st will be priced at $15.00 and will receive free shipping. That is an incredible savings of over 25 percent! To order, email ipp57@aol.com or call our toll-free number, 877-360-1477.
BECOME THE PARENT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!
“The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose” by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller contains straight talk about what it means to be a committed parent in today's world. It will challenge you and make you a more effective parent. It will help you reduce stress in your parenting life and bring increased harmony to your family.
You will learn:
*Numerous strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children.
*Multiple tips on how to teach the attitudes and behaviors you really want your children to learn.
*Realistic suggestions for how to create a culture of accountability in your family and implement consequences without wounding your child’s spirit.
*Advice on the importance of parenting with intentionality, vision, and a sense of mission.
Isn't parenting your child too important to leave to chance? Give your children
a jump-start to an enriched life by implementing “The 10 Commitments.”
Call (toll-free) 877-360-1477.
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Do you see your children only on weekends? Are you the noncustodial parent who is granted custody every other holiday and a restricted visitation schedule? Are you working hard to stay involved with your children in spite of parenting separately from your ex-spouse? If so, keep in mind the four biggies.
BIGGIE #1: Keep to your regular schedule. Only cancel your scheduled times in case of an emergency. Your children need structure and they need to count on you being there for them when you said you would. Demonstrate to your children that they are wanted by keeping your appointments and your word.
BIGGIE #2: Keep your visitation time as normal as possible. Expensive, fun-packed activities are not necessary on a regular basis. Every moment does not need to be structured or filled with planned activities. Just being there with your children is what is important. Yes, play with them and have fun together. Your personal involvement is more important than exciting, expensive adventures.
BIGGIE #3: Pay your child support. Make your regular payments a priority. Withholding money does not hurt your ex-spouse, it hurts your children. It is expensive to raise a child. It takes money and love from both parents to successfully raise your child.
BIGGIE #4: Regardless of how strong you feel about your ex, don’t put him or her down in front of your children. Again, this does not hurt your former partner, it harms your children. Your ex may have done mean things to you and treated you badly, and may currently be flaunting his or her new lifestyle. Resist the temptation to say anything in front of your children. Remember, it might be your ex, but it is also your children’s father or mother you are demeaning.
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To find out more about workshops, seminars, and keynote addresses presented by Chick Moorman contact him at toll free, 877/360-1477 or email IPP57@aol.com
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Copyright 2004 Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.