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Welcome! This is a free newsletter on becoming a Response-Able parent, raising Response-Able children.
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My mission is to strengthen families and improve parent communication skills (including my own), by helping parents learn practical, useable verbal strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children.
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"The single best thing you can do for your children is nothing - nothing
that
they can do for themselves."
----Anonymous
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The Mommy Test
A young mother was out walking with her four-year-old daughter. The
youngster picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her
mouth.
"Please keep that out of your mouth," the mother cautioned.
"Why?" asked the little girl.
"Because it's been lying outside and probably has germs," responded
the
mother.
At this point, the child looked at her mother in total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all that stuff?"
Momentarily stumped, the mother stammered, "Uh, um, it's on the mommy
test. You have to know those things to be a mommy."
The pair walked along in silence for a few minutes as the child pondered this
new information.
"Oh, I get it," she announced excitedly. "Then if you flunk,
you have to be
the daddy!"
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What parenting situation is calling you today to be bigger than you have been before? Can you expand your vision of yourself to rise to this occasion?
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Subscriber comments, ideas, and concerns are valued. Email your
comment to IPP57@aol.com
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FULL NAME: What you call your child when you are mad at him or her.
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Every two hours a child or youth under 20 is killed by a firearm.
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Not many parents set out to raise a thirty-year-old Nintendo player who
sprawls on the couch all day sucking up pizza and diet Pepsi. Yet many
parents actually subvert their positive intention of raising responsible,
confident, fully functioning children. They do it by unconsciously using
Parent Talk that allows and encourages helplessness.
What about your Parent Talk? Is it filled with language that builds autonomy
and independence? Or is it filled with words and phrases that teach your
children dependence? To find out, take the following Parent Talk Language
of Learned Helplessness Quiz. Read the statements below to determine
whether or not they occur regularly in your language patterns. (Answers
appear at the end of the quiz.)
1. "Let me get that for you."
2. "I'll do it."
3. "Act as if you can."
4. "Let me handle that."
5. "Let me demonstrate for you."
6. "I'll get you started. You do the rest."
7. "Take a risk and see if you can do it."
8. "I'll talk to your mother and see if I can get her to change her mind."
9. "It was raining, so I put your bike in the garage."
10. "What possibilities do you see?"
11. "Sounds like you have a problem. What have you thought of so far?"
12. "I'll fix it for you."
13. "I'll send your teacher a note and get her to give you more time."
14. "That's too difficult for you."
15. "It's late so I'll let it go this time."
16. "Would you like me to teach you how to do that?"
17. "You are old enough to begin doing your own laundry. Come on, I'll
show
you how."
18. "Ask me if you need any help."
19. "I'll call the store for you and see if they have any left in stock."
20. "The cleaning lady will be here on Monday, so put away anything you
don't want moved in your room."
The answers to the Parent Talk Language of Learned Helplessness Quiz
follow. If you note that you are regularly using the language of learned
helplessness, you may be an over-functioning parent. You just may be
performing tasks, rescuing, and taking over to the degree that your child
is being deprived of learning his or her own lessons. Inadvertently, you
may be encouraging your child to stop doing things for himself or herself.
Check it out.
1. "Let me get that for you." (Learned Helplessness) Allow children
to get
things for themselves, or teach them to ask for help.
2. "I'll do it." (Learned Helplessness) If you do for, do for, do
for,
children don't learn to do for themselves. This creates dependence.
3. "Act as if you can." This phrase encourages autonomy.
4. "Let me handle that." (Learned Helplessness) Let children handle
things.
Experience is messy. Let them learn from experience.
5. "Let me demonstrate for you." Demonstrating is teaching. This
helps them
become independent.
6. "I'll get you started. You do the rest." This is another example
of
teaching. If you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. Teach your
children the system, then let them use the system.
7. "Take a risk and see if you can do it." This way of speaking makes
you
dispensable rather than indispensable.
8. "I'll talk to your mother and see if I can get her to change her mind."
(Learned Helplessness) Whose relationship with the mother is this? Yours or
the child's?
9. "It was raining, so I put your bike in the garage." (Learned
Helplessness) If you do this once, okay. If you do it twice, you have set
up an expectation. If you do it three times, congratulations - you now have
a new job.
10. "What possibilities do you see?" This style of Parent Talk promotes
possibility thinking and helps children see a variety of alternatives.
11. "Sounds like you have a problem. What have you thought of so far?"
This promotes a search for solutions and lets children know you see them as
problem solvers.
12. "I'll fix it for you." (Learned Helplessness) If we keep fixing
things
for youngsters, they have no reason to learn to fix things for themselves.
13. "I'll send your teacher a note and get her to give you more time."
(Learned Helplessness) This is a classic rescue. Your children will learn a
more valuable lesson if you allow them to experience consequences.
14. "That's too difficult for you." (Learned Helplessness) Allow
children to
decide the degree of difficulty unless this is a safety or health issue.
15. "It's late so I'll let it go this time." (Learned Helplessness)
Every time
you let it go, you teach children that someone will bail them out and they
won't have to live with the consequences of their actions.
16. "Would you like me to teach you how to do that?" This Parent
Talk
allows children to determine whether or not they want help. If they do,
teaching is more helpful than doing.
17. "You are old enough to be doing your own laundry. Come on, I'll show
you how." Your job is to teach them how. Their job is to do it.
18. "Ask me if you need any help." If you help before they ask, they
won't
learn how to ask.
19. "I'll call the store for you and see if they have any left in stock."
(Learned Helplessness) If they won't call the store themselves, they don't
want the item badly enough to have it. If they don't know how to call the
store, teach them to use a phone book.
20. "The cleaning lady will be here on Monday, so put away anything you
don't want moved in your room." (Learned Helplessness) Whatever happened
to
children cleaning their own rooms? If you want to raise kids who feel
entitled, pay someone to clean their rooms.
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It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
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"Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Children in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility" is now in paperback. This 301-page book by Chick Moorman is available through Personal Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or ipp57@aol.com. "Parent Talk" is also available in a Simon and Schuster Fireside Original edition at local bookstores for $13.00.
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Please join us for one of the following facilitator trainings in the Parent Talk System:
1. Dearborn, MI, July 31 - August 2, 2003
2. Wausau, WI, August 4-6, 2003
Facilitator trainings are designed to prepare local trainers to present the Parent Talk System to parents in their communities. This 3-day skill-based training will help facilitators learn strategies that teach parents how to raise responsible, caring, confident children.
Join a select group of people throughout the world who are already using Parent Talk skills to improve family life in their communities.
Request a detailed brochure today at ipp57@aol.com. (Please include your mailing address.)
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To find out more about workshops, seminars, and keynote addresses presented by Chick Moorman contact him at toll free, 877/360-1477 or email IPP57@aol.com
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Copyright 2003 Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.