International Parenting Commitment Day - March 20

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Parent of the Month

Fran O’Connell, Southfield, MI

AMAZING GRACE

By Fran O’Connell

Rebecca was almost three when she came to live with us. Her mother—my husband’s sister—had been killed in a car accident. She had not married Rebecca’s father, and Rebecca had a limited relationship with him.

She was a tiny thing, with enormous brown eyes and long, thick lashes that belonged in a Maybelline commercial. She spoke very little, and what little she did say was often profane. She had few social skills, even for a three-year-old. She hit and bit and punched and kicked—eyebrows furrowed and black anger glowing from those beautiful eyes. Except for the use of the “f-word,” which—amazingly—was always contextually correct, she seemed unable to express herself. She never cried. She took in all that happened quietly. She watched. And she waited.

Rebecca’s brother and sister also moved in with us. While all three children had behavior problems, it was Rebecca who seemed most clearly to have experienced abuse and neglect.

After examining her, our pediatrician pronounced her “developmentally delayed.” I told him I thought it was more than that; the child was clearly language-impaired but otherwise seemed exceptionally bright. The doctor disagreed. Speaking gently and kindly, smiling at Rebecca as he talked, he said she was “slow.” Rebecca gave him the finger. This child was not “slow.” After further psychological exams and therapy, it became clear that Rebecca had been abused, but she was too young to sort out her experience. In response, she had developed a generalized fear of adults. She didn’t want to sit on my lap. She screamed when my husband came into the room. She fought with the other kids all the time.

About the only time she seemed to feel save was when I put her to bed each night. She had a ritual: PJs, brush teeth, was hands, turn out the light, sing two songs. Her favorites were “Danny Boy” and “Amazing Grace.” Night after night, month after month, year after year, we sang the two songs. In a way, the struggles, the sorrow, the triumph of the songs paralleled my own experiences as I came to terms with the changes in my life and the lives of my children.

School, at first, presented more problems. Rebecca almost got expelled from kindergarten for her behavior. She spent most of first grade in the office with the school secretary. But then things started to improve. Not only was she learning to read and to reason, she was learning how to trust and to love.

When she started second grade, we switched schools. By this time, Rebecca was doing well, academically and socially. She even joined Brownies and took pride in belonging to a social group for the very first time. We kept singing.

In April of her second grade year, Rebecca made her First Communion. The communicants and their families were the first to receive the sacrament. Looking beautiful in her white dress, with a wreath of flowers in her curly brown hair, Rebecca took my hand. As we walked to the altar, the organist began playing “Amazing Grace.”

Rebecca looked up at me. “They’re playing our song, Ma,” she said brightly. “It’s my favorite song in the whole world, and they’re playing it just for us!”

In that instant, I remembered the endless nights. The nights I was too tired to sing and I told Rebecca to sing for us both. The nights I prayed, “Just let me get through the songs, Lord.” The nights I cried with her, for her, about her. The nights we sang together, “Twas grace that kept us safe thus far, and grace will lead us home.”

It took four hears to see trust in those beautiful, dark eyes. Four years of amazing grace.

(From Where the Heart is: Stories of Home and Family, Personal Power Press, 877-360-1477 or amazon.com.)

Fran O’Connell is an educational consultant for a national training and development company and teaches off-campus graduate courses for Marygrove College. She designs and delivers customized training programs to meet a variety of personal and professional development needs. Fran offers workshops throughout Michigan, bringing a fresh, humorous perspective to the life challenges that face us all. Popular topics include “Family Matters: Making Moments Count,” “HUMP (Having Umpteen Million Priorities),” “Spiritual Development of Children,” and “It’s Hard to Be the Grown-Up When You Live with a Bunch of Kids” (a workshop for parents with three or more children). Fran lives in a suburb of Detroit with her husband and four children. You can contact her at (810)569-8729.

Committed Parent of the Month Nominations

Please send nominations for Committed Parent of the Month to ipp57@aol.com. Each month a new parent will be selected who has demonstrated an active commitment to his or her family. The winner will be displayed on the www.10commitments.net website and will be moved to the Committed Parent of the Month archives the following month.